Now, I am not going to go into the history, Victorian politics or plot of the The Pirates of Penzance or the artistic tensions and musical rivalries between Gilbert & Sullivan here. That is for the curious to find out for themselves. So my apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan but what I am going to do is, in my own way, bring their satiric observation of Peter Principle leaders up-to-date:

Obama is the Very Model of a Modern Major Generalist

Obama is the very model of a modern Major-Generalist
He can’t be bothered with information unless it is minimalist
He hates the Queen of England, and holds grudges quite historical
From Indonesia to Kenya, in orders categorical

He’s very well acquainted, too, with communities organizational
He understands the shake downs, both lending and corporational
About leftist academics he’s teeming with a lot o’ views
With many cheerful plans to skew the US Constitution’s use.

With many cheerful plans to skew the US Constitution’s use.
With many cheerful plans to skew the US Constitution’s use.
With many cheerful plans to skew the US Constitution’s use.

He’s very good at bowing to and hugging leaders dictatorialist
He knows just how to grovel and in War on Terror is defeatist
In short, in matters informational minimalist
Obama is the very model of a modern Major-Generalist.

In short, in matters informational minimalist
Obama is the very model of a modern Major-Generalist.

He doesn’t believe in American exceptionalism, gets a fit of colic
He won’t answer the hard questions, has a petty taste for the histrionic
He reads in a strange cadence from teleprompters ubiquitous
In control-freak politics his socialism is historically iniquitous

He’s either vacation goofing off or teeing off with buddies
He boogies every Wednesday with a guest list that’s star-studdy
Then hums a call-to-prayer under cover of the West Wing’s din afore
And whistles all the airs from that foolish Paul McCartney bore

And whistles all the airs from that foolish Paul McCartney bore
And whistles all the airs from that foolish Paul McCartney bore
And whistles all the airs from that foolish Paul McCartney bore

Then he signs unread bills to socialize American medicine transform
And you must tell the IRS ev’ry medical insurance detail on your form
In short, in matters informational minimalist
Obama is the very model of a modern Major-Generalist

In short, in matters informational minimalist
Obama is the very model of a modern Major-Generalist

In fact, he knows what is meant by “sedition” and “treason”
When he can’t tell us his birthplace as proof of his usurpation
When such knowledge comes to light the country will go crazy at
And he knows precisely what is meant by “silent coup d’etat”

When he’s finally ruined America from socialist experiments
When he knows that jobless citizens are reduced to camping tents
In short, when he has achieved through Cap and Trade what Marx dreamed of as his own
You’ll say a better Major-Generalist had never sat a throne

You’ll say a better Major-Generalist had never sat a throne
You’ll say a better Major-Generalist had never sat a throne
You’ll say a better Major-Generalist had never sat a throne

For his political consolidation through ACORN of the Jackass Party
Has a plan for Amnesty to make illegal immigrants Democratic voters hardy
But still, in matters informational minimalist
Obama is the very model of a modern Major-Generalist

But still, in matters informational minimalist
Obama is the very model of a modern Major-Generalist

Van Jones Supreme Court Nominee

WASHINGTON: With Justice John Paul Stevens announcing his retirement speculation is running rampant on who Obama’s nominee will be. The NIP has received inside information from a reliable source that the White House has already made its choice to be announced after laying the groundwork in the mainstream press.

Look next week for coverage of Justice Stevens accomplishments, already outlined in the San Francisco Chronicle today: preservation of abortion rights, support green legislation and climate issues, opposition to Guantanamo, and limits on the death penalty. As his positions are reiterated and emphasized they will build a foundation for Van Jones to be considered as Stevens’s replacement.

Jones is well known as an environmental advocate, civil rights activist and attorney. He currently serves as a senior fellow at the Center for American Progress, the George Soros-funded think tank. Jones’s work for the environment is well known, as is also his outstanding work (according to Valerie Jarrett) with STORM (Standing Together to Organize a Revolutionary Movement), a socialist group whose official Points of Unity “upheld revolutionary democracy, revolutionary feminism, revolutionary internationalism, the central role of the working class, urban Marxism, and Third World Communism.”

Jones’s appointment will advance Obama’s commitment to “fundamentally transform America.” Jones has proven that he:

• Is a revolutionary dedicated to changing the system
• Is dedicated to social, economic, and environmental justice
• Believed US government complicit in September 11 attacks
• Is a member of the Communist Party

His qualifications make him perfect as the next Obama appointee to the high bench.

The Cat In the Hat was written by Dr. Seuss, (pen name of Theodor Seuss Geisel), in 1957 as a response to a challenge by the Life magazine writer, John Hershey, who specifically mentioned Geisel as an ideal illustrator for modern children’s books in a May 25, 1954 article titled “Why Do Students Bog Down on First R? A Local Committee Sheds Light on a National Problem: Reading”. Geisel’s publisher, Random House, asked him to write a new style of engaging children’s literature using a limited vocabulary of only 400 words, which the publisher’s estimated school children were learning at the time. Geisel cut the suggested list down to 223 and added 16 of his own.

Using the pseudonym of “Dr. Seuss”, Geisel’s The Cat In the Hat proved an instant hit and the story of the two rainy day bored young children first enjoying then panicking over the crazy, chaotic antics of a floppy red-and-white stripped hat wearing tuxedo Cat accompanied by his eagerly undisciplined partners-in-crime, Thing One and Thing Two still resonates with young readers 53 years later.

In fact, The Cat in the Hat is such a fondly remembered piece of American literature that it was recently quoted in the US Senate when, in 2008, Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid, in complaining of a stalled immigration reform bill likened the problems on the Senate floor with the chaos caused by the Cat and read out from the book into the Senate record, “‘That is good,’ said the fish.’He’s gone away, yes. But your mother will come. She will find this big mess.’”

Reid went on to explain, “If you go back and read Dr. Seuss, the cat manages to clean up the mess.” A tip o’ the Cat’s hat to whichever analyst so succinctly commented about Reid’s failure to get the bill passed by saying “the Cat in the Hat did not have to contend with cloture.”

Now, considering that if Dr. Seuss was alive today as a cantankerous 106 year old watching the purposeful destruction of America through the Cloward-Priven strategy and Saul Alinsky formulated chaos, he’d want to revisit his The Cat In the Hat characters using the cadence of his Green Eggs and Ham with President Obama as the hammy Cat, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi as Thing One yegg and Harry Reid as Thing Two yegg:

I do not love the Rule of Law.
I do not claim citizenry from Paw.
I do not follow Constitutional rules.
I do not care if I hurt Democratic mules.

I party every Wednesday without fail.
I drink like a fish and dine on quail.
Everything revolves around me, me, me.
I won! I won! So let me be!

I’m off to golf instead of work.
I snub the Brits and Gordon Brown’s a jerk.
I grovel in front of every despot I can.
America needs to learn that I’m the Man!

Nancy Thing is always at my side.
To my star she’s hitched a ride.
Harry Thing makes quotes so snide.
Come November 2010 they’ll have no place to hide.

The three of us America want to socialize.
Socialize! Socialize! America we want to socialize.
Obamacare is our master plan.
To take America down the can.
Obamacare! Obamacare! We’ll ram it through!
With new taxes now but no healthcare due.

The sick and elderly will wait and wait.
Fate! Fate! Succumb to fate!
Death panels and abortions late!
The old the over-taxed young will come to hate.

ARE YOU A CITIZEN BORN AND TRUE?
ARE YOU OF THE RED, WHITE AND BLUE?

I keep my past full under wrap.
I will not, care not to my citizenship provide a map.

DID YOU NOT SWEAR UPON A BIBLE?
DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE LIABLE?

I did swear upon a Bible.
I did not care that I am liable.
I did not dwell on my Kenyan family tribal.
I will not worry about birthers libel.

DID YOU INTERNALIZE KARL MARX?
DID YOU HOPE FOR CIVIL WAR SPARKS?

I did internalize Karl Marx.
I did hope for Civil War sparks.
I did not love America ever in my life.
I did not and neither did my wife.
I did not become President to bring you hope.
I care not; will not because I’m no dope.

I became President to bring you change.
With Communist failure that is destructive and strange.

WASHINGTON

There has been harsh criticism of the administration over their handling of the incident. Serious charges have been leveled that the administration, by ignoring the Geneva Convention, has put the USA at risk. Three days after the bomber was captured he warned that there was more to follow. Charges of incompetence have been leveled against Director of Homeland Security who shortly after the failed bombing crowed, “The System Worked.”

Responding to these charges today Obama read this statement during his daily teleprompter briefing:

Our decision to try Abdul Farouk Mutallab in civilian courts was an admirable one. It was intended to show the international community that the US recognizes the rule of law and no longer will conduct “cowboy diplomacy” in handling man-made disasters.

While our intentions were admirable, we did not go far enough. Recent criticism of our actions have made us realize that the proper handling of internationals is best handled by INTERPOL. After all that is why the organization was created.  It was for just such a case as this one that on December 17th I gave INTERPOL diplomatic immunity to operate here in the US. Little did we know just how wise and timely this decision that would prove to be.

For this reason we are now turning Mutallab over to French authorities who are sending over their Chief Inspector who will handle the interrogation and investigation. We are hereby dropping all civilian charges against Mutallab and any subsequent legal action against Mutallab will be at the discretion of INTERPOL.

INTERPOL has extensive experience in handling these types of investigations. Make no mistake– our ceding jurisdiction of this affair to INTERPOL will substantially increase our standing in the world community and will prevent Al-Qaeda from using US involvement in this matter as a recruitment tool.

French authorities have sent the following video of their Chief Inspector who has considerable success dealing with explosives and attempted bombings. The NIP supports President Obama and feels confident that Chief Inspector Clouseau could do no worse than Eric Holder.

Editor’s note: Late breaking news has called into question the veracity of today’s teleprompter briefing but in the spirit of MSM we are running the story anyway. Although this report is placed in our satire category, all links to the 50 minute interrogation, ignoring Geneva convention, INTERPOL diplomatic immunity, The System Worked, etc. are all too true.

Are You Smarter Than a 6th Grader?

FALLS CHURCH, VA: We finally have definitive proof that President Obama has been watching the Fox network. Evidently Fox’s hit show, “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader” has intimidated the White House.

Last week Obama appeared afraid to speak to sixth graders at Graham Road Elementary School in Falls Church last Tuesday, Jan. 19, 2010. He had apparently seen contestants on Jeff Foxworthy’s TV show get shredded by 5th graders. (NIP wonders if Foxworthy changed his legal name from NBCworthy to get the gig.)

Obama reportedly had a bad case of stage fright: “I’ve seen what happens when you go up against 5th graders, and these are 6th graders.”  Finally he was agreed to go on, but only if he could bring his trusty teleprompters. For a complete gallery of Obama’s frightening experience visit DayLife.

US Embassy Abjuah

ABUJA, Nigeria: Breaking news has just crossed our desk here at the NIP regarding the father of unlucky terrorist Abdul Farouk Mutallab. It is widely known that the fizzled bomber’s father met with US Embassy officials in Abujah to warn them of his son’s intent to carry out acts of violence against the United States. As most people know all interactions with US Embassy officials on foreign soil are recorded for intelligence as well as archival purposes.

The NIP was provided with the following unofficial transcript of meeting between embassy official and the terrorist’s father, Alhaji Umaru Mutallab. We need to caution readers as to the graphic nature of the exchange and also remind readers that this transcript has not been verified. However the urgent nature of this investigation demands that we make what we know public, even if there are possible errors in translation and other inaccuracies.

UNOFFICIAL & UNVERIFIED TRANSCRIPT FOLLOWS BETWEEN US EMBASSY OFFICIALS IN ABUJA AND ALHAJI UMARU MUTALLAB, FATHER OF ABDUL FAROUK MUTALLAB. EMBASSY REPRESENTATIVE NOT IDENTIFIED.

Embassy: How can I help you?

Mutallab: I’m concerned about my son’s association with radical Islam. He has fallen in with al Qaeda in Yemen and may be planning a jihadist attack on the United States.

Embassy: I’m sorry, there is no such thing as radical Islam.

Mutallab: Excuse me? What about this I always hear on the news?

Embassy: Of course there are a few isolated extremists out there. Nut cases, really. But they have nothing to do with Islam.

Mutallab: I can assure you that there are many Muslim radicals that want to do serious harm to the United States.

Embassy: That is impossible. President Barack Hussein Obama has apologized to the world for the imperialism of the Bush administration. Obama has Muslim roots, no one wants to harm America anymore.

Mutallab: My son has been making trips to Yemen and has spoken of his training with al Qaeda.

Embassy: Al Qaeda and other organizations are a thing of the past. I wouldn’t worry about your son being influenced by such people.

Mutallab: That is a chance you may want to take, but I don’t like taking chances with my son. What if he is planning something and your agents catch him?

Embassy: On the outside chance your son goes berserk and does something foolish our civilian police force will apprehend him. He’ll be afforded the rights of any US citizen.

Mutallab: But he’s not a US citizen, he’s Nigerian.

Embassy: No matter. In our country rights of citizens apply to all, regardless of country of origin.

Mutallab: I’m worried about him being tortured to reveal his connections to his contacts in Yemen.

Embassy: You’re thinking of Bush. Don’t worry, that will never happen.

Mutallab: Surely he’ll be subject to harsh questioning. After all he’d be an illegal combatant. I’ve seen your TV shows and movies.

Embassy: That’s just silly, you’ve seen too much TV. The first thing he’ll be told is he has the right to remain silent. Then he’ll be given a court appointed attorney that won’t cost you a thing. He’ll receive free medical assistance if needed, access to the press corps, food, shelter, and a place to relax. And he’ll be able to call home for free. Calm down. You don’t have anything to worry about, the system works.

… additional transcript redacted.

Editor’s Note: Please note this post is placed in our Satire category.

Deep in the Virginia Woods:

In the back they saw a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there (pictured).

‘You talk?’, they asked.

‘Yep,’ the Lab replied.

After our crack staffers recovered from the shock of hearing a dog talk, they asked ‘So, what’s your story?’

The Lab looked up and said, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’

‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport working with Homeland Security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in… I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

Our staffers were amazed, and wanted to bring the dog back for testing so that we could alert our readers. The staffers asked the owner what he wanted for the dog.

‘Ten dollars,’ the owner says.

‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that.’